Mom... He's got your back!!!

We have definitely felt strength and courage beyond ourselves in this last month. Although some parts of this journey are still hard at times, especially for my Mom, God has proven that we can stand firm in Him, trust Him even if things do not make sense, and most of all rest in Him even if we don’t know the future. The UNKNOWN… I think this has been the hardest part for my Mom (and our family as well, I’m sure). Not knowing when this thing will end, how it will end, and if she will get her life back as it was before…or perhaps even betterJ! Although chemo is hard both emotionally and physically, I think we can all attest to the realness of God, His presence, His peace, and His faithfulness through this. I don’t know if my Mom can see what I see as she walks through this difficult season, but I think there is a strength and courage about her that I have never seen (she says she isn’t strong, especially if she allows her tears to surface… but do tears mean you are weak? I don’t think so. Most times it takes strength and courage to be real and vulnerable). But maybe she isn’t strong in and of herself? I believe it is God’s strength that I see in her and that is even more beautiful. It takes courage to give your life to God… it takes trust to let go of control. But seriously….I can’t even put to words how much God has taken care of her in these last few months. Mom…. He’s got your back (I’m gansta)!!!

 

One of the most amazing ways God has shown up through all of this was at one of my Mom’s small surgeries (a port-a-cath had to be surgically put underneath her skin near her collar bone in order to make chemo treatments easier and more efficient). A few weeks ago, as my Mom and my sister sat together on my Mom’s hospital bed waiting for surgery, a special nurse arrivedJ. As the nurse entered the room to give my Mom an EKG test (just to make sure her heart was healthy), neither my Mom nor my sister could have expected what happened next… First, the nurse ushered my sister out of the room. As this special nurse proceeded to walk my Mom through the EKG process she began talking to my Mom… like REALLY talking to her… one of those “really good at bed side manners” kind of nurses. This new friend began asking my Mom about her diagnosis and treatment plan. My Mom told her story (probably for the one millionth timeJ). But the nurse’s response was different than any other doctor, surgeon, chemo specialist, or nurse my Mom had encountered up to this point… she said, “Here’s what you need to do. You need to get yourself a journal and write in it every day. Write, Thank-you Lord that I am healthy.” The nurse then left. My Mom was speechless, as this is not a normal nurse patient conversation! But before she could process what the nurse had said to her, another nurse entered to give her an EKG. Confused, my Mom told this second nurse that she had already had her EKG. He then looked at her confused, explaining that he was sent to do the EKG and he was not sure who else would have come to do it. My Mom assured him that it had just been done. He decided to go check at the nurses’ desk and yet another confused nurse showed him the paperwork. The EKG was in fact done… but none of the nurses seemed to know who had done it. Angel? I can’t say we know for sure if that special nurse was an Angel… nor can I say she wasn’tJ. Only God knows. But what we do know is it gave us all HOPE! To be honest, even as I write this, there seemed to be a hope and peace that moved across our family after this moment… A deeper sense of trust in Him. Mom… He’s got your back!!!

Well, like I said, although this journey is HARD—at times my Mom is extremely nauseous, incredibly exhausted and can barely get out of bed… and sometimes we need to wear masks out in public so that we stay away from germsJ (I won’t lie and say it is all roses, butterflies, puppy dogs, and rainbows ßsounds lovely doesn’t it J), we can’t help but be grateful for what God has done so far… and I have a feeling He’s not finished with us yet! So God, we say you are welcome here in this season, in this journey, in our lives and in our hearts. You have proven to be more and more FAITHFUL! How can we possibly not trust you now!!! Thanks God that you’ve got my Mom’s back!!! Mom…He’s got your back!!!

Wigs for All!!!

Well, ok, not literally “wigs for all”. My Mom was the only one that actually bought a wig but my sis and I sure had fun trying them on. And it’s obvious that my mom looks the best—unless my sister would like to look like Julia Roberts as Tinker Bell in Hook, or I want to look like a soccer mom of three (“Get in the van kids!”) then I think we will stick to our original hairJ! But there we were, at the next “mini-event” (I like to call them mini cause although they can seem huge, you need to take it one day, one “mini-event” at a time…well and in all reality, these events are mini to GodJ! So let’s keep in step with Him!). Although my Mom said that shaving her head would be harder than her port surgery the following week, she took it in stride and yet again remained peaceful. The lady shaving her head even told her, that for many women, it is best not to look until the end… but MY Mom watched every hair fall to the floor! But….doesn’t she still look so beautiful? Seriously? Doesn’t she? It’s impressive! I just keep remembering the look on her face as the “hairstylist” (if that’s what you want to call a lady who is giving you a buzz cut) shaved her head… it was a kind of “sad-proud-peaceful-acceptance” kind of look (not sure if that makes sense, but it’s what I read on her face). I felt like crying, to be honest. But not because of the hair (cause it’s just hair) and for a brief moment I considered shaving my head too (as did both my Aunty and my Sister—but my family and I agreed that since I am still single, I should keep my hair…haha just kidding…well sort of), but because it made it all so real. I think I had been waiting for “it” all to start…but it had already started…with or without me realizing it.

But back to what this is really about: God. I know some of you might not be comfortable with his name showing up here but I can assure you He is showing up, in our faces, in a real and tangible way, closer than the breath we breathe. Most of the time God pursues us with his subtle, still, small voice, but lately, he is making his presence known, loud and clear. One Sunday my sister and I got prayer from one of my roommates. She really felt God laid the following verse on hear heart for us: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). I took this as a promise from God, that He would be our strength and would be with us through this whole process. Now this is where His voice gets loud J… the following week, I took my Mom to her first chemo appointment (a pretty emotional day). She had gotten a beautiful handmade quilt from a co-worker’s family member, who makes quilts specifically for women going through chemo. My Mom had had it for a day so far and had wrapped herself in it during her chemo treatment. When we got home my Mom and I laid on the couch and just chatted about everything… mostly about God and the journey ahead. Suddenly my Mom said my name with excitement and motioned for me to look at a small label sown into the quilt…it read: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). I then shared with my Mom how God had already spoken this verse to our family, that it was His promise to us in this season. So… He will go with us (and most importantly He will be with my Mom) WHEREVER we go…whether it’s to a chemo appointment, when my Mom feels physically and emotionally drained, when she’s alone with her thoughts, when we talk about God and when we don’t, when we laugh, even when I go to her house to watch American Idol and eat all of her M&MsJ (a normal Friday nightJ)…God will be with us! I am overwhelmed at how God has shown up in this thing and I could go on with more stories (one amazing story in particular), but that will be in the next blog…to be continued….For now, Jesus help us to be strong and courageous, help us to not be afraid and to not be discouraged, help us to know that you will be with us WHEREVER we go…

Event 1: Diagnosis

To be honest, I have never considered myself to be a “blogger” but here I am blogging! And to be even more honest, at times I have thougth that blogging was a little annoying, but I am going to do it anywaysJ. The reason for this blog was initially going to be, in letter form, for family and friends to keep up with how my mom is doing through this season of her life in order to ease the pressure on her to answer calls, emails and facebook messages on how she is doing. I never understood why people would blog about such a personal thing but I can now look you in the eye and say I completely understand it. It’s a way of processing what is going on, a way to share with others the reality of where we are all at, and ultimately, my hope is that this blog will reveal the hand of God in a difficult season. He doesn’t always show up how we think He will but I am trusting that His heart towards us will be evident, His Sovereignty over our lives will be real, and that something new and true will be revealed about Him to anyone who reads this…. Even if we only have one followerJ. And in the end, I am doing it out of obedienceJ. So, with that being said, how is she doing?

For those who do not know, within the last month or so my Mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Cancer seems to pop up in, what I now like to call, “mini-events” from diagnosis to remission. Events are anticipated moments or expected occasions—although the initial diagnosis (more like an Oscar Awards sized event, rather than the mini ones that are to come)was not expected by most of us, I think my Mom can attest to the fact that something in her knew what the doctor was about to say. Afterwards she explained that she just knew. And although her heart was somewhat prepared, I can only imagine what the first night’s sleep was like—at the end of the day, when visitors are gone and you are left alone with yourself, that is when the reality of how you are doing hits you like a ton of bricks. As her daughter, I often stop and think about what lies ahead—I think my Mom feels the same, however I can admit that most days she seems to be doing better than meJ. Although waves of raw emotion come and go, my Mom seems to laugh and smile often, despite what lies ahead. There is a peace and grace about her that I have never seen. Similarly, my sister oozes a strength about her even through tears—her authenticity is beautiful and I admire it. Therefore, after this first “event”, we wait on God through all the “mini-events” to come (my favorite so far was wig shopping…more on that in the next blogJ…look at me now, blogging away! Ha!). In the Bible it says that when we wait and hope in the Lord, our strength will be renewed and we will soar up on wings like eagle’s, we will run and not grow weary , we will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:31). It also says that IN ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) (a verse my sister and I both got from God for this season).

So, we stand on this…we wait, we trust, we anticipate Father’s hand to be upon us in this time, we magnify Him above our circumstances, we climb His mountain to get His perspective, His vision, and we use His Word as our weapon! So…..here we go J! Thank-you deeply Jesus for your grace, your peace that transcends all understanding and for your comfort! We trust you!